Ramblings of a Bunhead

I got off on the wrong foot today. Which, as far as sayings go, probably not the best one for a dancer. On Sunday one of my lower molar teeth chipped, just like that, leaving a sharp edge to rub against my tongue. I have a dentist´s appointment tomorrow, but eating and talking has been no fun at all. Even eating chocolate hurts. Then I decided to color my hair, freaked out by the appearance of two silver strands - hello Grey Swan! - but the shade came out darker than I intended. More goth than glam. I gave my hair another wash this morning, to get rid of the excess color but only got squeaky-clean fly-away hair that won´t bun. It took me three orange-sized applications of thickening mousse, half a can of hairspray and 7 attempts before I got the slippery strands into a half decent bun, just short of a nervous hair-breakdown. 

Made me seriously reconsider cutting my hair off! But, if I cut it short enough for a not-in-your-face-when-turning-ponytail.. Then I can´t wear a proper bun when I want to! And it´s not like I have a stylist with hair-pieces at my service. Also I´ve only recently grown out my bangs, which do make me look younger, but are really a nuisance. If you don´t want to pin your fringe, it hops whenever you hop. Which is great if you want to dance with a prop! And if bobby-pin you do, you can´t remove them after class, unless you´re willing to go public with the dorkiest hair possible! For now, I´m sticking with my bunhead, goth color and all! Interestingly, a new article just came out, "Bob or Bun - A Ballerinas´s Tough Choice", about dancers´ many hair issues like thinning hair-lines (yikes), cookie-cutter images and making up your own head. Read it at New York Times.

I could finish here, make it a short post about bad hair days and bunheads. But there is ballet stuff too, waiting to clear my brain! So, after late trains, a chipped tooth and sore tongue and goth hair that won´t bun (hey, it rimes), I finally rushed out of the office, ran to the train, which amazingly was on time - and relaxed. The closer I got to our school, the more my ballet self took over. Work stuff faded into the background, worries dissipated and I started to think in terms of dance. What variations we did last time, the corrections I received and whether my pirouettes would be back this week (they were not, but what the heck). I had only 10 minutes to change and warm-up, but I was good and ready when we started. 

I loved the challenging class Gabriella gave us! Even the stuff I always mess up first, like flic-flacs at the barre. And sure enough, my teacher made me do them again. I get the theory, and can do them slo-mo, but if you throw flic-flacs into a fast frappé exercise: help! But on the repeat, I got them right. Yay. We also did entrechat quatres and cinq combinations, big jumps like cabrioles in all directions, pirouettes in seconde, and pirouettes from developpé in seconde. 

In center we did a beautiful adagio, which required actual interpreting and delicate emoting! It was a temps lie movement at the end; step forward, tentative arm reaching out (to your love), step back, arm sweeping behind body, gaze turned away, all shy and timid (or coy), then step forward again, reaching out once more, longingly, brazenly.. And that final gesture, where I  retract my hand, so that it is held somewhere between chin and chest.. Today I not just a nutty bunhead, but for a fleeting moment I was Giselle and Anna Karenina and Manon.. 

And I could finish here, because that last line left me all dreamy and dramatic, but there is more! For one, the sudden and kinda weird onset of more flexibility, which really deserves a blog post of its own. Can I just say this: I have never, ever been closer to six o´clock! 

Then there is the story of my pet-peeve: the new lady who literally squeezed in front of my barre spot, after we had done four exercises already. Apparently the girls in her previous spot were also more or less new (and not advanced enough) and she could not copy from them. So she thought it a good idea to jump in front of me (and my mirror), just as the music started. Our teacher had to stop and start again, and I told lady to stand at least behind me. But as my mental state for the day had been a bit fragile, I totally messed up the entire exercise. I hate it when stupid stuff like that gets to me! Anyway, I really don´t know what she was doing in advanced class, as she had to copy every single movement. And poorly, might I add. After the first mess, whenever she was in front of me, I had to mentally block her out, otherwise I would have screwed up my entire barre.  You can tell that it bugs me still, and I really should not get overly annoyed at this late hour. Maybe there is a balletiquette post in the future? Anyone want to share any pet peeves on that subject?

There is more still - it really was such a terrific class, but I have to go to bed now. Tomorrow there is no dance, but early morning dental repair. Yay. Wednesday and Thursday I have two advanced technique classes and one basic level on pointe (or two). On Friday we celebrate Midsummer´s Night in Finland, one of the most loved and legendary festivities of the year. I leave you with one last note:

With all its ups and downs, dance is still the shortest route to happiness. 

Photo above post: Gene Schiavone. Dancer: Elizabeth Farina.

Back Row

The Royal Danish Ballet in Balanchine's Symphony in Three Movements. Photo: Kyle Froman.

Sometimes I like to take refuge in Back Row. Away from the clearing that is Front Row, hidden behind other dancers as if they were trees and I was the deer escaping from the limelight.. Which is futile, since our studio is neither the size of a stadium nor are there enough dancers to make a dense forest! Besides that, our teacher has 20/20 vision that does extend beyond the front row - so there really is no place to hide. Do not get me wrong, it´s not like I dont want be in class right there and then - but when Front Row starts to feel like front line - that´s when I need to step back. 

Last Thursday was one of those days. I was on my 2nd day of sleep-deprived dancing and achy from Wednesday´s two technique classes, one of which I did entirely on pointe. My feet felt like they had been stuffed into lead-lined slippers, and my center was somewhere offstage along with my confidence. It was the third class with the same adagio exercise, combining jambe sur la barre: standing in croisé toward barre, developpé devant onto barre, cambré forward and back. Leg up and off. Developpé front into plié, then quarter of grande ronde de jambe - straighten plié leg at the same time - and only then take hold of foot for the talon a la main stretch. The difficult part is that the leg has to be high enough, so you can grab it without a lasso. I can just about manage it on my left side (yay), but with my right leg it´s Catch Me If You Can, and I can´t. For the past two lessons my teacher Gabriella has kindly been coming to my aide, lifting and holding my leg up at the crucial moment. This time it´s strike three and you´re out. And me having another extensional crisis.

In center, we repeat our beautiful adagio exercise. I have an actual Moment when we plié from 1st arabesque into attitude, then promenade en dehors. Our teacher tells us to linger in the plié, really going down, and I do feel the difference - and then get to bask in the praise! However, at this point I´m dancing on fumes alone and when my balances start to wobble, I know I´m heading for trouble. Muscles start to tense up and I get nervous, which turns my pirouettes into half-assed attempts. It does not help that we are practicing our turns a la seconde - not exactly the easiest pirouette in the curriculum! When our teacher gives general corrections after the second group has completed the exercise, I sneak to the back of the class. 

We do not have fixed places in this class. There are no best-girl barre-leaders, instead it´s each to her own. When we move to the center there is never an elbow-pushing  rush to get to the front. Usually it´s the same girls, but anyone who wants to can step up and dance in the first row. Having said that, our teacher often takes care that not all of the most advanced girls are in the same group. Sometimes she rotates lines and when we move across the floor she divides the girls so that the less experienced dancers get some additional support.

The Australian Ballet, Swan Lake. Photo: Jim McFarlane

Usually I like to be in First Row, front line territory. For one, I can see better (I´m nearsighted but don´t wear contacts). Secondly, I have to pay extra attention as there is no one to copy from. Finally, Front Row gives me an adrenaline boost. It´s like the rehearsal before dress rehearsal - you want to get it right and make a good impression.

Other times it´s The Back Row that rescues my class. I often join the second group to get more practice, and on good days I´ve done most of my triples when I´ve been practically out of sight. I´m also less shy to dance big and full out (and then repeat it in the front). This time, however, I fall back to give myself a break before the rest of class turns into a stumbling disaster. Or so I think. When we are ready to begin again, our teacher is already on the look-out for me. "Johanna, where are you?" Me, in the back, holding arm up. Teacher: "Come to the front." Resistance is futile so I pull myself together and try again.

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

- Samuel Beckett 

Turns out, my teacher kind of rescued me from myself. Again. Even though I was moving to the back to recharge and calm down, this has too often been the beginning of the end, as in giving up on myself altogether. On a bad day Back Row is where I go to feel a little sorry for myself and disappear. That rarely happens anymore, but the association of being lost is still there. My teacher giving me the proverbial kick in the butt was just the psycho boost I needed, refueling my tired body and pushing me to not give up. The remainder of class is as good as tired me can get. Which is not so bad! In grand allegro I add the beat to the balloné before my teacher has a chance to tell us, earning myself praise. I even feel frisky enough to add another beat on the temps levé arabesque. Class finishes on a high and with break-neck-speed piqué turns. What a buzz!

Front row or middle row or back row - whatever works for you. You can dance as if no one is watching, if that helps at all. But don´t dance as if it does not matter. You gotta own your row, baby!

Cheers!

What a fabulous summer vacation day it has been! I could write an entire post just about it, but lets get straight to the pointe (pun absolutely intended). This summer my school is offering ballet classes Mon-Fri, but no pointe classes at all, not even the kind where you have 15 minutes of exercises at the end of class. Dear readers, no way am I going to store my shoes away until mid August! Twelve weeks without is too long, especially since I´ve been making a bit of progress every week. That is why I consulted my teacher G and - yay - got permission to do a regular class in my pointe shoes! So today I hopped, skipped and piquéd my way some three levels down to basic ballet and it felt like.. a milestone.

Before the basic class was my own int-adv class, which was good too. I don´t know what is different this week, but my balances have been better than in the longest time. No wait, I´m on vacation! That must be it! That and sleeping more than 6 hours each night. I guess earlier nights are a must if one wishes to balance and pirouette. I probably should reduce that tweeting habit of mine.. Anyway, back to class. I was changing into my pointe shoes when the next group came in, lots of new faces. But oh dear, you should have seen some of the bambi-caught-in-headlights expressions.. One girl thought I was packing up, and was about to drop her stuff at my barre spot. When I told her I´m staying not leaving, she nearly double-backed out! Me: "Yes, this is basic class, but I´m still a beginner on pointe, and no, pointe shoes are not required!" Big relief all over.

Modifying a regular barre for pointe shoes:

• Class starts as usual with plié exercises. I decide to do one side as I would in soft shoes, and the other up in relevé - we have been doing this with my other teacher M-P, so I feel confident enough. But it´s way harder with just one hand on the barre, especially if you do a grand plié on pointe all the way down, that is going over the boxes (with a fully pointed foot). 

• I do all relevés rolling up, not springing up, and all balances on pointe. A couple of times my teacher comes over and corrects my ankle positioning or reminds me to straighten my knees more. When we do cambrés, she tells me to do them in relevé as well.  

• Fondues are hard, and for a moment I wonder if I could turn towards the barre - but I don´t want to distract the girl next to me - so I do them on my stronger side, but with the heel down on my weaker side. Frappés on pointe, and when my teacher praises my effort I almost topple over!

• Since this is basic ballet class, pirouettes are practiced facing the barre. Tendu to the side, 1/4 ronde de jambe to the back into fourth, plié and passé relevé, without turning first. We have been doing this in pointe class as well, so no prob. Except that I still worry about hitting the barre with my knee (would not be the first time). Fortunately for me, many girls in class do not yet have that plié - straighten knees fast -coordination, so our teacher adds another plié-relevé exercise which is identical to the one we have been doing in pointe class. Good thing too, because I really need the work!

• Developpés into arabesque, and here G comes over to push me over my box. I´m just glad we are not yet doing penchés! The stretches (jambe sur la barre and talon a la main) I do in relevé, just like we have been doing with M-P. Grand battements with heel down, but I think we have done these sur la pointe as well.. 

In the center it´s your basic tendu-pirouette enchaînement, but G tells me I can do just the preparations instead. This elicits more curious looks from the others - maybe because some expected more skills from a student in pointe shoes. Guess I should have worn a Learning sign on my rear! When we get to the jumping part of class, 16 x sauts in first, I´m told to do relevés instead - but I would not have to do all sixteen, and could do the exercise in a slower tempo. I feel strong enough to be defiant and do them anyway. Changements come next, and I can´t think of any way to modify, so I jump with the rest. Making lots of noise in the process. Then G surprises me.

She tells me to go up into fifth, and hop my changements on pointe! I have seen this, but never done it. Your knees stay slightly bent, and you don´t really jump up high, just enough to get off the floor and change legs in the air. I do as I´m told, then she corrects me (smaller jump, quicker change), I hop again and it works! And it´s fun too! I´m so surprised that I don´t even notice everyone else watching and waiting.. After that it´s back to normal basic ballet stuff, glissades and pas de chats across the floor, and no difference with pointe shoes. Except for the noise.

I´m very happy to discover that the tempo and difficulty of the class suit me just perfectly. There is really nothing I have not done or attempted to do in pointe shoes before. Marie-Pierre´s pointe classes have been an excellent preparation for this, and I feel pretty close to strong and confident! In addition, Gabriella gives me bonus stuff to do, despite having to look after three barres full of other dancers, and I really appreciate it.  I´m also a bit proud of myself that I already know how to modify the barre, and after class G tells me to add even more. Balances, where there are none, and if I need to, face the barre while doing fondues. 

Dear readers, usually I do not write about every detail in class - but this time it seemed more relevant than usual. I hope I didn´t bore you out of your pointe shoes! It was just such a new and exciting experience for me - to be one of those dancers who comes to "regular" class all nonchalant in her pointe shoes. In all of my 17 years of dancing, I never thought I would get here! Of course, I have many more years to dance before I (hopefully) reach my current soft-slipper level.  After all, I have been on pointe for only eight months, once a week. And I know it will only get more challenging! But apparently I did quite well today - which is enough reason to give myself a pat on the back and simply enjoy this milestone.. with a lovely glass of chilled sauvignon blanc. Cheers!

Light!

I love this time of the year. Here in Finland the days are getting longer, and there is still light late in the evening. Today, the sun will begin to set at 22:27 and rise again in less than six hours! All this surplus of light brings with new life and joy, and the many delights of summer: swimming in natural waters, eating fresh sun-ripened strawberries, living outdoors, basking in the warmth.. But it´s those endless days that really revitalize both body and mind! 

Summer night in Helsinki. Photo:here

This past Saturday, when I came home late from our spring recital and was still feeling the stage-buzz, it hit me, right in the face. The daylight at 10 p.m., the soft breeze on my skin, the scent of newly blossoming lilacs, the birch trees swaying and wooshing in the wind, the songbirds chirping.. Oh, how alive I felt at that very moment! I really, truly, could have danced all nightless day!

Dear reader, I can already hear you: What about the recital? Well, it was fun. Not the most clean dancing I have ever done, in fact far from it, but I remembered to exercise another important muscle: my smile! You can cover up a multitude of sins, just by showing the audience that you are having a good time on stage! Of course, someone will pay attention to your technical performance - and I´m my own toughest critic - but a recital is not an audition, nor a competition. The world will not end if you miss a step here, or stumble off a balance there. 

Alexander Theatre, view from the stage.

Having said that, I will take care to be better prepared next time. For this recital I came in at the last minute, after having decided 2 months ago not to perform at all. Too many breaks, too little actual dancing. But when the teacher asked if I wanted to join them anyway, I thought what the hey, life is short.. Fortunately the choreography was not the most demanding, as it was done for the advanced beginner level, but I still had difficulties in remembering the transitions. "What, here 4 steps around, then effacé, and here 7 you said, and 8 counts arms down and what how many steps??? Show me again, please!" Oh dear goddess of dance Terpsichore, help me so I won´t crash into anyone..

Considering all, it was not too bad. I did not bump into the other dancers and I smiled my way through the rest. A dear dancer friend commented on my good stage presence and "beautiful épaulement", so I must have done something right at least. And you know that moment, when you are standing on the dark stage, just before the lights go on? I have no words to describe it, other than: Intense. Excitement. Fear. Bliss..

Sink or Swim?

Last night I had the weirdest ballet dream.. I was in pointe class, and about to do a piqué  - when all of a sudden the pointe shoe had turned into a stilt, making it impossible to go up. No need to consult a psychiatrist to figure this one out, not with the class I had on Friday.. It was as if someone had pressed the fast forward button, but edited me out of the loop. Or if everyone else had hitched a ride on the time machine, but left me holding my ticket. I can´t decide which metaphor to use, but you see where I´m going with this. For the first time in a long time I felt like I did not belong in that class.

Part of the reason for feeling sidelined is that it´s no longer the same class, nor the same teacher of late. Madame had to take an early leave, and our previous teacher G (who has been my main ballet teacher for the past three years) returned one month early from her maternity leave to spring in for Madame. Please don´t get me wrong,  I love G´s classes just as much; she is energetic, strict, fun, gives lots of spot-on hands-on corrections, and her technique is precise, quick, springy and very musical - all good. When I started pointe last August, it was in fact with G - and the the best introduction to pointe technique I could have asked for. Even though it was a mixed level, I could begin from point zero, and G took great care that I would not get ahead of myself. We had 10 weekly classes before Madame took over.

I gotta tell you, it was not the easiest of transitions! Classes were more difficult and I had the hardest time trying to keep up. Fortunately we were very, very lucky to get Madame to teach us! I have already sang her praises in many posts, but in short - she really knows how to get the best out of everyone. I don´t think I have ever been more challenged, and yet happy at the same time. She gave us real work to do, killer body-and-feet-building barres, combined with elegant épaulemant and center work that was both scary and exhilarating. It was often way over my head, but she would never give up on you, always taking the extra time to help you get there.

So you get used to a certain way, and then comes another way of doing things - which I should welcome as an exciting challenge! However, The Thing is, I sort of figured G´s classes would be easier. I mean she knows that I am still a pointe-beginner, and would not expect me to do too advanced stuff.. But no such luck. While the barre was relatively easy compared to Madame´s painstaking boot-camp, center was anything but. New steps I had never done before, and in combinations too fast for my feet to grasp. The advanced girls had a blast, and I was miserable. Finally I  changed back into my soft slippers, so I could at least dance until the end of class!

You may think that it´s no big deal, and that I will catch up with the rest. You are probably right. I just resented the sink-or-swim tactic. I do know that our teacher was testing us, figuring out what we have learned while she was away. And I understand how difficult it is to teach a mixed-level class and adjust every exercise to every individual learning experience. And yes, I really miss the attention I was getting from Madame. You may call me a Big Ballet Baby, but I´m far from confident in those pointe shoes. All I ask is that you do not push me into the deep end without throwing me a life-line too!

Dear reader, before you suggest I talk to my teacher, I already did. I know that G really cares for her students and wants us to learn, advance and still enjoy our dancing. I told her class was too difficult for me, and she agreed. She has already promised to give simpler exercises next week. Though I almost wish I had been wrong, that somehow she would have thought it possible for me to be that advanced already. Maybe she even did.. Sadly, I´m no ingenue at ballet. I have my dues to pay, and tons of relevés to do - just like every other dancer. But there is hope. I am not hopeless. And you know what? I used to be a swimmer before I did ballet - so there will be no sinking to the bottom for me!

Underwater picture taken for Australian Ballet´s new Swan Lake (choreography Graeme Murphy).

Dancer: Simone Goldsmith. Photography by Hugh Hamilton & Keith Lo Bue

Friday 13th

"You are not doing well because you're having a good day, you're doing well because you pushed through your bad days!"

Just something my teacher said to me today after class. I was feeling quite sorry for myself, having had two bad classes behind me. You know, the kind where you are just trying to keep up, and even that effort is sucking all the energy out of you. After our first pirouettes, it was a sinking feeling right until the end of pointe class. Though, in my defense, I have barely danced this spring. The past 5 weeks, I've managed a total of five ballet classes, plus three hours of pointe which are on the same days as the three advanced technique class I took. Before yesterday, I had been away for two weeks. Easter and work and working away in Germany, and recovering from not sleeping enough while working. Well, no more of that. I am back, starting with three classes per week, and working myself up from there.

Friday has been my favorite ballet class (90 min adv + 60 min pointe) for the past year, and after being away for too much I might have had my expectations a bit too high.. I was just so excited to be back in class that I had forgotten how hard ballet actually is! You can't just take a break and then jump back in as if nothing. No way. The other thing that threw me off, was that Madame is currently unavailable to teach (she should be back for the fall/winter semester). If you have been reading my blog, you know what an impact she has made on me and my dancing. It's not only about the steps and exercises we get to do. It is something about her way of coaching the best out of everyone. It helps that Madame is very encouraging, gives lots of personal attention (so much to correct and improve!) and never gives up on you. This makes me feel both safe and challenged, and happy. I have to admit that I have many insecurities (I suppose I'm not the only one?), and for this class I would have needed the extra TLC as much as the kick in the derrière!

Well, I did not get the proverbial kick, but an actual slap on the butt for "slacking off" the past month. It was a friendly gesture though, administered by my other main teacher G, who came back from her maternity leave early to step in for Madame. G is quite an energetic teacher, pushy and demanding, but mostly in a good way. 

Now I just have to reacquaint myself with G's way of teaching and style of dancing (quick and springy!). It's like when you haven't seen a friend for a long time, and you need to do some catching up to get back on the same page. I'm also going to put in real work to get my feet back under me! And I'm excited about this summer, when there is not just the one great ballet class to look forward to, but three. And number three is a charm, right? I might yet get my groove back. To conclude with a short recap: I had a bad day. I sucked. I will get over it. And hopefully, I will be stronger for it.

Wishing you all the strength, courage and determination to take the lows with the highs and to keep dancing the roller-coaster that is life. Phew. 

For creating a "word cloud" (above blog post) similar to mine, go to www.wordle.net

First Date

We met in a tiny but crammed ballet shop, far away from home.. It was not love at first sight, as I tried on at least 20 pairs before my toes slipped into your boxes (oh dear, where am I going with this?) - but it seems this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship..

More to follow on my next post: Pointe Shoes and Pils, Bitte Schön!

Got Any Elan?

Definition of élan: enthusiastic and assured vigor and liveliness.

Lately my ballet classes have been far and few between, whittled down to a meagre one or two per week. Work trips, Easter holidays, dodgy ankles, you name the it, I have not danced because of it. It is really unacceptable, especially when you´re a ballet geek like me! Last week I finally managed to take three intense classes in two days, to make up for a week of not-dancing. Three days later, my right calf keeps still cramping up. Not to mention the out-of-shape panting I did in class, earning a raised eyebrow and an expression of amused pity from my teacher.. 

Just a few months ago I thought of myself as vigorous beyond my years (there will be no number on this subject, not ever), and sure enough, I could easily keep up with kids half my age. Now all I feel is a slight panic setting in.. What if I can´t haul myself out of this rut? What if it´s all down-hill from here? Which is utter rubbish of course. Has to be! After all, I have been here before, and I´ve always managed to bounce back! So, as soon as I return from my upcoming work trip (last before fall), it´s back to three weekly classes, running on days-off, then classes times four and maybe even more! I mean I´ve got the enthusiasm, evidenced by a serious habit of ballet-blogging and tweeting, and I posses the (sometime) liveliness too - provided there´s enough sleep and or coffee.

All I need is the "assured vigor" - piece of cake, right? And rest assured that there will be plenty of cake in Germany. We are leaving this Wednesday, on a refreshing 7:30 morning flight, and will return on Mother´s Day next Sunday. Of course I had to do some googleing, and was surprised to find out that Essen is quite the dance city. There is the Folkwang University of Arts, which has a renowned contemporary dance program (think Pina Bausch), and then there´s the boarding high school of performing arts Gymnasium Essen-Werden. I read somewhere that their classical ballet program ranks among the top 5 in Germany! In addition there are a number of dance festivals and even competitions. I checked out the schedules, but performances for my time slot were sold out already. I did, however, find one dance school (RAD) which offers one adult ballet class after 7 p.m. Any earlier won´t do, since this trip is work, not pleasure! 

Anyway, I will be packing my dance gear just in case. There is of course the distinct possibility that after a hard day´s work I will crave nothing more than a comfortable place to hoist my feet up. That and a cold Weizen (local beer).. Well, vigor can wait another week. After which I will be working my sorry butt off - with joy and enthusiasm and all the liveliness I can master. Gotta get me some of that élan!

P.S. Comments are as usual most welcome, though I might not get back to you before May 9th.

Picture above post: Katie Williams, ABT, "Ballerina Crossing". Photo copyright of Gene Schiavone.

Potential

Definition of potential: existing in possibility : capable of development into actuality.

It seems the time has come to sink or swim, or more to the pointe - to pull up or topple over! It has been some eight months since I first went up on pointe, and until now we have always started our class with both hands on the barre. That is until yesterday, when Marie-Pierre (Madame) gave us a shortened version of a regular barre to do - you know, with one hand only for support. Of course, it was a different barre from the one I had done just 90 minutes ago in our advanced class - now we did all our pliés, relevés and balances up on our toes. The first exercise went like this (I´m trying to repeat my teacher´s instructions):

In first, relevé - demi pointe - pointe - plié - plié - demi pointe - down. Relevé - pointe - cambré devant - cambré derriere - demi pointe - down. This in all positions, with port de bras in 2nd to both sides, and in 5th grand port de bras going all the way around. I gotta tell you, bending your body over while up on pointe - no easy feat! But it just kept getting better.. For our next exercise we did degagés: From 5th, degagé piqué - degagé piqué - degagé into plié - from plié into relevé with working foot brushing out (45 degrees) - repeat in all directions. I learned that you have to transfer your weight very quickly onto the supporting foot and pull up like crazy! 

In addition we did rondes de jambes, with the last one rising up again onto full pointe and finishing with a grand ronde de jambe en l'air. Then developpés in all directions, and grand battements - all on pointe. But when Madame told us to finish with arabesque penché, I just thought you gotta be kidding me. Right? You seriously think I should be able-bodied to pull that one off? It is hard enough on demi-pointe, wearing soft slippers! Of course, I could not do it. To have your entire weight on that small platform, the back leg high up and the upper body in deep forward-tilt.. Oh dear. Talk about leaving your comfort zone behind! 

Not quite there yet.. Hey, these girls have both hands on the barre!
Photo: Gene Schiavone

After this first part of our class Madame asked if it really had been so much more difficult than our regular two-hands-on-the-barre. Cue my head nodding, vigorously.  She had apparently thought it would be less strenuous than our usual intense work-out, and come to think of it, true. However, it was still too difficult, at least for me. I really need to get my feet under me first, to find those muscles and turn-out and pull-up. That´s why I like to do even them slow killer relevés! But then came the big surprise: Madame asked us what we had been doing with Gabriella before..

Side-note: Gabriella was our ballet and pointe teacher until last November, when she left to welcome her second child. She is coming back already this summer, which I´m very happy about. And Marie-Pierre will also continue to teach come next fall. How lucky are we?  :)

Which is curious, since Madame had come to observe us in September. But now that I remember, she didn´t stay the entire class (as she had already watched one hour of basic beginners and 90 min of advanced class). Anyway, our class has been a mixed-level from the get-go, but at the barre we had started from pointe zero (pun intended), so that even beginners like me could take part and learn. Although we have been able to progress fairly quickly because either there are those with previous years on pointe or those with many years of ballet experience (for me, 17 years in total).

Anyway, when Madame asked, I told her that we had been doing pointe with Gabriella for only two months! And she said that she seriously did not know this! Sure, I can understand, because of the mixed level and some of the girls/women being already quite advanced.. BUT, it just kills me that for the past half year she has been assuming that I have been doing pointe for much longer! I never said anything because I thought it was obvious that I had not! This does not mean that I am somehow more talented or special. No, it means that she thought my skills were such as they are despite previous training! Which as you know I never did have! Jeez.. All those times when she told me you do not have to do the pirouette (or something else), if you don´t want to... and it´s not that I did not want to, but that I had never done it before. And the time I finally did a double, and the first thing she did was correct the position of my talon.. when I was just thrilled to have dared it in the first place!

Potential : The inherent ability or capacity for growth, development, or coming into being.

I mean there is no real damage here, even though Madame might have sometimes given me easier stuff to do instead, and maybe she would have expected less of me. I don´t know. But I have been getting corrections for every exercise we have ever done, and encouragement and positive feedback throughout. I think most other teachers would have raised a pronounced eyebrow at my very apparent lack of skill, and probably reprimanded me at every turn (no pun here). Even worse, they might have deemed me as a hopeless adult wanna-be ballerina with no talent whatsoever. Instead I have been the luckiest girl in class! You see, Madame is a very demanding teacher, but she is also very sweet and caring. She really sees the potential in every dancer, long before you yourself have figured it out.

Picture above post: Australian Ballet, costume for Swan Lake (click here)

Pat Yourself on the Back Already!

Why is it so hard to accept praise, or more to the point, believe the positive? When your teacher tells you to pull up, to stretch your knees or that there should be more energy in your dancing, there is no doubt in your  mind that she is not right. However, when that same teacher tells me my moves are good, nice or beautiful, I think she´s just being encouraging. You know, doing her job and all that. Positive feedback from the teacher is among the most important things in ballet class, and I love getting praise as much as the next dancer. It tells me that I´m at least doing something better, if not right. But beautiful? Good? Nah, whenever I hear those appraisals, all I´m thinking is that my teacher is being very nice.

Ballet is all about the pursuit for perfection. And yet nobody ever thinks of themselves as perfect. Not the gifted, not the professionals, not the talent-in-waiting. Not even the Rojos, Polinas, Ferris or Corellas of the ballet world (or so I assume, based on any interview from any dancer I´ve ever read). It´s a complete mystery to me, because I think they are all amazing, gorgeous and perfect in every possible way! I guess you can keep rising that bar(re) so high that it will take a pair of wings and immortality to ever get there. Then again it is exactly that pursuit of the presumably unattainable which makes ballet the most  beautiful and exhilarating artform to watch! And let´s be real here.. Would not ultimate and flawless perfection rob you of the excitement, the element of surprise, and of those sweet moments when everything comes together? After all, ballet is a living art, not for robotic bodies or minds.

Kirsty Martin of Australian Ballet, photo Tim Richardson.

I have to admit that I suffer from the occasional bout of perfectionism. Combine that with its cousin procrastination and it´s a less than productive combo.. In college I had the hardest time finishing my written assignments on time. I could spend endless hours tweaking sentences and chapters, never being quite happy with the final outcome. Putting the work off as far as possible gave me the necessary impetus to get going, and the pressure to write the perfect awe-inducing paper was off. Procrastinating also meant I would never have to find out if having done it all on time would have been good enough in the end. In a sense that is why ballet is ideal for me, because there is no chance for procrastinating. You can dance only in the moment, do the pirouette or leave the floor.. But the quest for perfectionism does get to me.

In Finnish there is a saying that goes tieto lisää tuskaa. I know there has to be an equivalent in English, but basically it means that the more you know the more you suffer. When I started ballet, I was a blissfully ignorant tabula rasa, which come to think of it, not at all a bad thing. I understood that the advanced and pro crowd was in a world of its own, and that our adult beginners class was a mere approximation of the art of ballet. I also knew that I would never have been on a road to professional dancing, so no expectations, no pressure. That is until I became desperately hungry for more!

The perfect Tamara Rojo. Photo: David Sandison.

After less than two years I started taking classes as much as 6-8 per week, reading up on ballet history, going to every live performance I could afford, and quite frankly, becoming pretty obsessed with ballet. I loved how dancing had changed my body and the perception of myself. I was healthier, happier and I had great fun with my fellow dancers. However, I was also becoming increasingly frustrated, about not having a natural body for ballet. I am not super flexible, my turn-out is mediocre at best and I sure don´t have the look of a ballet dancer. This started to bother me more and more, even though I was a recreational dancer, in it for the joy! But I wanted to be proud of my work, blend in with the good girls and be that beautiful dancer I had always dreamed of being. Finally, when I was going through rough times in my personal life, I no longer had the motivation to dance and quit.

Photo: Gene Schiavone

I came back some five years ago after not dancing for three years. This time I was as excited as I had been for the first time around. I delighted in every muscle that I rediscovered, and in every little progress I made. My old teacher gave me a warm welcome, and even though I had put on a lot of weight I was not embarrassed about my body, not like I thought I would be. Then, somewhere along the road, I surprised myself. I had new teachers pushing me to go further, and so I went. I advanced past my former level. My extensions are now higher, my turns have (sometimes) tripled, my jumps are bouncier, my technique is over all better. I have also learned to accept my limitations and can handle my occasional frustrations. Guess I have grown up. 

Most importantly, I enjoy my dancing more than ever. There are even those rare moments when everything comes together, and I feel like a real dancer. And this is the biggest revelation of all: when my teacher tells me to present myself, to be sensuous and elegant, I know I do not have to be perfect in every way. I can still become the beautiful dancer I have always wanted to be! So I´m standing in front of the mirror, my former twentysomething pressure-cooker looking right back at me. She´s telling me to take a deep breath and go pat myself on the back already. Well done, and good girl!

Picture above post: Beautiful, amazing Polina Seminova, photographer unknown.

Video of the week: POB school documentary

I have a couple of posts under construction still (the one about flexibility amongst them), but I thought I would share some of my favorite videos in the meantime. This first one is the edited and shortened 52 min version of the 4-part French documentary "Les Enfants de la Danse" (1987?). It´s a bonus feature added to the school´s performance of Coppelia, which can be bought on DVD. I saw the original docu-series when it first aired on Finnish television, taped it on VCR and watched it about hundred times, over and over.. Sadly my VCR has died since. So I was really glad when a fellow dancer-tweeter put me on the trail of this feature! 

The short-film showcases many big POB-stars in their prime, like Elisabeth Platel (now directrice of the school), Manuel Legris, Noella Pontois, but also future stars such as Nicolas Le Riche and Aurélie Dupont (here still students). You have probably seen bits on youtube before, but I recommend taking the extra time to view the full 52 minutes (if you can´t get your hands on the original series). Enjoy!