Just getting ready for tonight´s ballet classes, but I´m sure Eleanor Roosevelt´s wisdom applies to any given situation.. Although I can´t say that I have ever been really afraid in ballet class. But, over the years there have been many occasions where I thought "I cannot do this." "It is just too hard." "This is only for the good girls and the pros." "Fouettés? Are you kidding me?" "My leg up there? Are you crazy?" Luckily my teacher(s) did not take no for an answer. So I stepped over myself and my self-doubt and did it anyway. I did it my way! Never perfect, mostly just barely there, but every time I tried to do "the impossible" it changed me a little. I have since become more confident in my abilities, and no longer shy away from stepping out of my comfort zone. I feel that there is still more of dance inside me, waiting to be discovered!
I can´t wait for tomorrow when I get to stick my freezing toes into pointe shoes again. The weather forecast has promised another balmy -22 ºC (-8 F), but nothing gets your toes quite as pink and hot as new pointe shoes! Aah, that warming feel of hot coals under your feet.. Although I am finally getting somewhere with the breaking-in of my pointes. After my teacher had sliced the outer soles I took those babies to a short test-drive-dance after class and was actually able to get over the box! Yay! I´m so ready for tomorrow´s class. Bring on the killer relevés and fondues, and hey, is it not about time to throw a pirouette into the mix? I dare you!
Pointe class, final enchainement. Start with croisé, right leg in tendu derrière. Step forward with right leg passing through to croisé, corresponding arm opening to the side (other arm staying down). Repeat four times, presenting your fabulous-ness to the (imaginary) audience, looking like you own the stage. Then, coupé, and off you bourrée eight counts to the front, coupé again and eight counts back, with beautiful arms coming up and then reverse.
We stand in line, three girls, and the music begins. Four steps, all composed and lovely and then.. Hey, nobody told me this is was a race! The other girls have bourréed half-way across the room before I have even counted to two!
On another note: my teacher Marie-Pierre came to class with her knife, which is not as scary as it sounds. I was not happy with the hard shanks of my new pointes and she had suggested already earlier to cut my shoes into shape. This time I agreed, because class was still a struggle and getting over the box near-impossible. With my now-dead shoes I had just gotten there! I dunno why I ever decided to buy shoes this hard. Oh right, there was nothing else available in my size/width! M-P took out her carpet-cutter knife and was really careful not to rip the satin, since I only have the one pair. She told me that during her 18 years as a professional she used up one pair of pointes per day, especially when she had been promoted to principal dancer! You can do the math.. Anyway, the cut and improved shoes turned out really nice. Instant arches!
My shoes, fine-tuned by me and M-P.
EDIT: It was pointed out to me, that the cut is not at the 3/4 mark - oops! What can I say, I´m terrible at math.. Anyway, as you can see in the picture above, the cut is closer to the 1/3 mark of the sole. Math aside, this is were the heel ends, or where the instep is at its highest. Cutting the shoe at this mark makes it hug closer to the foot!
.. and write poems like no one is reading! (Hah, didn´t see that coming!) Usually that is exactly what I do. I write my "poetry" straight into the drawer, just as I would never ever sing in front of people (should anyone from work get any ideas about karaoke - forget it. And that is all I will ever say on that subject.) But lately, I have been revealing stuff about myself. In public. On-line. "Stuff" about my passion for dancing, my ambitions (think quadruple pirouettes, high extensions, elegant lines), insecurities (pink thigh-revealing tights, not getting any younger here, looking silly), my bloody blisters (sorry!), even the content of my fridge (sorry, again). Where did it say that bloggers are introvert exhibitionists? There is certainly a kernel of truth in there. If it were not for the dancing. You cannot dance and be introvert, not at the same time.
Dancing - for me it is a suspension of disbelief, and a leap of faith - every time. I know very well that I will never be up to par with the real dancers of this world. The ones we admire and adore! But I do know that I have some technique to let go and enjoy myself. It is not always easy or comfortable to dance full out, with your heart on your sleeve, but it is exhilarating. Even if I rarely have the nerve to go that far - class cannot be so intense every time! But when I do it is beyond ____, better than ____, and not like anything else in my experience. Please, if you have ever felt this way, you may insert your own adjectives in the spaces. I would love to know.
Dance matters to me. It is not the only thing I enjoy or love, meaning that I do have a whole life outside of ballet (seriously). I like to travel, by train, and I like to read (anything from Jane Austen to Harry Potter), just to mention a few. On occasion, I feel the need to write. But blogging is one thing, writing "poetry" - something entirely else. Reminds me of that Japanese proverb: "We are fools wether we dance or not. So we might as well dance." I like to think it applies to writing poems as well. That is why I´m ready to embarrass myself with the outing of my first public dance "poem". It can´t be worse than my recaps of pointe shoe break-ins. Please be kind, anyway.
After my old pointe shoes died on me last week, I did an emergency visit to the shop the very next day. I was lucky enough to have a teacher friend in tow, who conveniently happened to be about town the very same day. Always helps to have your own expert back-up. Especially as the one professional fitter is only available on week-days. So when the shop´s sales girl handed me the shoes, my expert witness took hold of them first, and only after careful inspection handed them back over to me. Pretty awesome, don´t you think? I mean who does not love to get the v.i.p. treatment?
Unfortunately the selection of shoes could still not be helped. The models I would like to have tried were all absent. My metatarsals are wide-ish, but my short toes only somewhat tapered - meaning that my foot sinks down in a too-square box like Grishko´s Elite. Combine that with a low-ish arch (more so on the right foot), and choices narrow rapidly. I would love to try out Primasoft Pointes, especially the Prima Russe. They seem to have more choices for short toes anyway. Sadly they are not available here. Anyone out there have experience with these?
We finally settled on Bloch Serenade TMT31, as they at least allowed me to go up without sinking down. And because of the TMT shank and box, they are more easy to mold in shape. Back home, I used the hairdryer for heat, and the fridge for cold (as per instructions), and it really worked. Although the shank is still too hard and the vamp just a little bit too high. My teacher friend told me not to let my pointe teacher break the shanks, and I should let my feet do the work. Also, professionals can afford to break in four pairs a day, whereas I´m lucky if I can afford as much in a year! Unlike Megan Fairchild, principal dancer with the New York City Ballet, who in this video demonstrates the importance of The Perfect Fit. She also wears a different pair for rehearsals, class and performances. It´s scary to think that pointe shoes can die in the middle of a performance! Ouch!
However, after struggling in Madame´s pointe class I did ask her if she happened to have her carpet-cutter handy, and she promptly offered to snap my shoes. But I must have looked too apprehensive to Madame, because she told me to do the footwork anyway. Come to think of it, I´m not sure TMT shanks can be three-quartered like a traditional paste shoe..? I know that first times in new shoes are hard on everyone, and that the burning hot coals under my feet must have been the result of still-too-snug shoes. Still, when I filmed myself (back home, with laptop cam) doing relevés in seconde, it was not a pretty sight!
I wonder which sauce goes with pointe shoes..
We will see if I can still improve my relationship with my new Serenades. After all, we have had only one real date so far. It is still too soon for the "let´s just be friends -talk". If we don´t get along after the third time, we can call it quits. And come next pay-check, I will check out another shop I just discovered. They do not employ a professional fitter, but carry the models I would like to try: Bloch Heritage, B-Morph and Balance European. Maybe there will be a match yet that is at least a little closer to heaven!
My trusted pointe shoes finally took their last pounding and died on me - midway through class. Ouch! I call it a testament to my increased strength that I still managed to rise up on pointe with shoes that give less support than a sports bra. My teacher just called it suicidal. But I do look fondly at my battered old pointes. They were never perfect to begin with - hello bloody blisters - but I think we had a pretty good run nevertheless. I did my first echappés, my first relevés, piqués, bourrés, and even my first wobbly pirouttes in those shoes. We adjusted to each other, and just when we had established a comfortable working relationship, it came time to say goodbye!
During their short live span of 4,5 months we did our best to learn and grow stronger, and to present ourselves as elegantly as possible. Not really succeeding in the latter, but on occasion there might have been a fleeting moment - when we came just close enough to be on the same planet, instead of occupying different galaxies altogether. My pointe shoes never got to go up on stage - that excitement will be reserved for future pairs (hopefully) - but at least they were blessed to have their shanks snapped into shape by a former Odette/Odile! I cannot say that I will miss them dearly, but good memories will never be forgotten. Even after blisters have long since healed.
It's one of those days.. Bad hair day and then some. Woke up too early and still missed the bus, then decided to rush to the other stop only to discover that yesterday's mushy snow had frozen into slippery glaciers! Did some interesting moves, flailing arms and all, as I tried to skid to work without breaking anything. I have to say, it's a good thing I've had all that dance training!
Tonight is class with Madame again, which I usually love. If I were not soo tired! My legs are no longer legs but logs, and it will be a feat to raise them higher than 45 degrees. Not to mention pointe class, which I´m actually dreading a bit. All those slow relevés.. But I am going, nonetheless, and will dance. Dance til I drop..
EDIT:Class was amazing, despite my tired feet and all. You just gotta love a teacher who tells you to do juicy pliés!
We received lots of fine-tuning, especially regarding port de bras and épaulement. Madame likes it big and beautiful and expressive, whereas my "style" has been more about polite restraint. God forbid anyone should think I'm pretending to be something I'm not! Another teacher commented only the past week that we should not mistake ourselves for artists. Although I think she was referring to some mis-guided over-the-top-artsiness. Still, better to stick to the precise and academic syllabus, in her case good old Vaganova. But I have been doing ballet forever already, and think I might be ready to bring something of myself into my dancing. I don't mean changing the steps or anything crazy like that, just a bit of personalized presence. As long as I am not going to look like an idiot.
That is why I love Marie-Pierre's classes so much. I used to think that it's her ballerina's privilege to do a port de bras the way she does: sensuous and elegant. I would never ever assume that I could just copy her! I didn't even imagine that she would expect us to! But instead she keeps telling us to do just that, to present ourselves, to be beautiful and elegant. Even better, she shows me how she wants me to do the arms or wrists or head, and it is just like hers! Only that it's still me and my arms and my wrists and my head, but for once it's all good. We are still focussing on the technical stuff, of course, like turning-out, forwarding the heels and stretching the knees and the juicy pliés. The difference is that now I am living and dancing moments where I feel almost like a new woman, like someone with a bit of a real dancer inside her. And it makes me insanely happy.
Wore my pink tights today, which I never ever do unless bribed or forced. You see, pink tights give me turkey legs, which is just not as flattering as you might think. But when my friend asked me to come along for her pointe shoe fitting, I figured I could do both: give moral support and try out a pair or two myself. Hence the thunder-thigh inducing tights. Now, I have to admit that I´m being self-deprecating here, as my thighs are perfectly fine in the real world. They are also strong enough to squeeze orange juice, an image that has stuck with me ever since Madame told us to squeeze our abductors until we feel "The Pain"! It makes me crave a cold drink of Tropicana every time..
Back to the pointe shoe fitting: It was a busy saturday, and the shop seriously understaffed, but we were lucky enough to be first in line. The salesperson was very nice and helpful, despite the rush. My friend E is an advanced dancer with good solid technique, awesome big jumps and quadruple pirouettes (!). She is also very tall for a ballet dancer, which means that the shoe has to support more weight. Oh, and she has not been seriously on pointe for almost ten years. So I was a bit curious when the fitter asked my friend to go straight away up on pointe in seconde, which is really difficult to do in new shoes!
Luckily she switched her tactic after that and asked E to just relevé in parallel position. It made it easier to see whether the soles were properly aligned or not. But they were not: shoe after shoe, no perfect fit in sight. Either they were too wide, or too narrow or too short or too long, or a size was sold out or a more suitable model missing. So frustrating! One pair of Repettos finally made the short-list, and were laid aside. If the one other shop has nothing better to offer, my friend will have to settle for just "okay".
I did not fare any better. Although I did tell the salesperson that I wanted to try some pairs just because it happened to be convenient, and that I would be back again later. Still, after I gave her my specifics: size 38 or 5 (European/UK), short toes = short vamp, wide forefoot, low(ish) insteps, high arches and soft-medium shank, pre-arched preferably - she had only two models for me to try on. Both of which were totally wrong. Nor did the Grishko Elites fit, or any Freeds or Gambas or Repettos. I asked if I could try Bloch Morphs (with TMT shank), but the shop only carried narrow models like Suprima, Serenade and Axis. Again, so frustrating! I know Bloch Morph / Heritage / Balance European (left picture) could be just right for me, but where to shop? Obviously I cannot buy shoes online without knowing my precise size first!
I guess I have to use my back-up plan and ask my teachers for help. I´m not entirely convinced that the salesperson pulled out all her aces, since it was really busy and she was clearly under some stress. It made me feel all self-conscious and doubtful again. I mean, if I have supposedly "nice feet", there should be a pair of suitable pointe shoes out there, right? Next time I hope to bring my own expert with me, someone who knows both my feet and technique (or lack thereof). Also, I wonder if Madame would let me try out her shoes again. The new pair of Blochs (custom made, no less) she brought in a week ago was almost perfect, the right length and width and so comfortable - only the vamp was a bit too high ( I would not have known). I know perfect pointe shoes are the holy grail of ballet, and to obtain a pair of my own, I will do anything short of selling my soul. Heck, I would even wear the dreaded pink tights to class. Just dare me!
Check out this cool video of pointe shoes in the making:
Lately I have had this feeling that my vocabulary of steps has gotten visibly smaller. There has been a lot of focus on clean technique, on improving turn-out and forwarding heels, on long backs and elegant épaulemant. Which is all fine and as it should be and certainly what I need to do. Still, I´m really starting to miss some old friends, like big saut de basques, ballotés and ballonés, cabrioles (in all directions) and fouetteés. Even my frenemies brisé volé and those dreaded turning emboite jumps, which I just never seem to get right. Nonetheless, I would sometimes like to put our quest for perfection aside and just dance, whether I look elegant or not! Hah!
Come to think of lost steps, anyone out there know what this saut is called? It´s done basically like a changement, but you bend your knees in the air, like you would do in a pas de chat. I remember one teacher from waay back calling it "Italian changement", but I could be so very wrong. Anyway, it´s a fun jump and I would love to do it again. Also that grand saut, which starts like a pas de chat, but then you straighten the front leg in mid-air (and return to fifth pos. on landing) - I want to learn it so bad! I wonder if I could ask our teacher sometime? "Madame, I have this wish-list..."
The video clip shows Dorothee Gilbert dancing in Raymonda. Watch out for the jump at 0:42, it´s the one I described above. We never did it quite this big though.
Let´s face it: this dancer is no spring chick anymore. It´s like my blog title says, I´m way past the Thirty. Like another reader so kindly commented, a "mature dancer". Well, it sure beats being immature. But yes, I have a grown-up job, responsibilities, and at the office no one calls me "girl". That would just be weird. Why then is it so sweet to be called a "good girl" by my ballet teacher? Because it is!
"Good Girl!" means that you´re doing something right, that your hard work and effort are paying off and that your teacher has noticed. In my case it was pointe class. I´m finally getting the grasp of some of it! There might just be hope yet that I will survive our spring recital en pointe..
Also, I love being one of the girls: Saara, Suvi, Eliane, Sari, Miru, Salla, Marja, Anna, Niina, Sanna, Katja, Janina, and many more.. You rock!
Last Friday, and this year´s première pointe class with Madame. We did our first fondues en pointe (well, my first anyway) - and my initial reaction: gulp.. But surprisingly, I actually managed to roll through demi-pointe all the way up! I guess all those nasty (Madame´s word, not mine) exercises finally paid off. Not that it´s going to get any easier from here! Still, I fully expected to be shamefully out of shape with smoke rising from my burning toes.
Our barre was grueling work nonetheless. We did another first: relevés on a single foot, with passé retiré, then plie and up again. Of course lots of echappés as usual and sous-sous in 5th, with Madame watching every move under the microscope. I learned that to rise into 5th (without jumping), you have to do a tiny little "lick" with the toes of your back foot. It made me think of a cat´s paw, which kind of works since Madame often tells us to move like cats! (Not like the musical.) We also did a new enchainement in the center. Pictured right: the divine, not diving, Paloma Herrera. Photograhper: unknown.
Moving in the diagonal: Glissade - piqué arabesque - plie - pas de bourré - repeat - and repeat - and, well you get the idea..
By the way, our class room is really long. As in too long for chaînés déboulés, piqué pirouettes, anything that requires some serious head-spotting! But that´s a different story. The thing is, you have this exercise which is fun to do but not that challenging in soft shoes. I don´t mean the arabesque - which can be improved upon forever, but rather the steps in between. On pointe however, oh boy.. The moves are all there in my muscle memory, except for those blocks underneath my toes getting in the way! Coming down into plié from a high arabesque - I almost dived head first into the floor, not just once but thrice! It´s a real challenge, making those feet feel like they belong on pointe.
I wanted to post this video here, because we have been dancing a lot to the music of Romeo and Juliet. Madame always tells us to respect Prokofiev´s beautiful score, and we try our best. Especially knowing that she herself has danced the role of Juliet not so long ago! The dancer in this clip is of course not Madame (though I wish we had her on film), but Dorothee Gilbert of Paris Opera Ballet. One of my favorite dancers..
