Hiatus

It's been three weeks since my last ballet class. In the past nine years, three weeks is the longest I've gone without dance. Now I'm looking at five more weeks, at least. My best case scenario: back at the barre by the 11th of August. The more likely scenario: sometime in fall, hopefully before winter. At least I'm not sick or injured, so that's good. I'm struggling with my dance budget, is all. Classes are expensive, you could easily feed yourself for two or even three days with just the cost of a single lesson! And when you are living on a very tight budget, every non-essential luxury means significant compromises elsewhere. For instance, I love to travel. But, given a choice, I love dance more. I like pretty shoes and clothes, but if it's class or a new outfit, I'd rather shop second-hand. I get my hair cut on birthdays only, buy generic brands (which often are just as good), and happily borrow occasional clothes from my more stylish friends. Ballet class might be a luxury, but I've never considered it being non-essential. The benefits and pleasure I get from dance far outweigh any compromises or sacrifices. The prospect of not dancing saddens me. A life without dance? Unimaginable.

I have been very fortunate this past year. In addition to my regular classes, I got to participate in a 6-month long intensive workshop (part of a dance pedagogy master thesis study), totaling 129 45-minute sessions (usually 3-4 sessions at once). The workshop helped improve body awareness and placement, and I've definitely seen and felt some progress since. There was even a performance at the end, in front of a small but appreciative audience. The movement material was based on our own improvised dancing, which made the rehearsals and show extra exciting! I'm very happy I had such an amazing opportunity to learn and grow.

There have been great classes throughout the year, with wonderful teachers. I've enjoyed the exercises and challenges, just as I've appreciated their advice and personal corrections. One lesson was a slightly bitter pill to swallow, and I've had to revise and adjust my attitude in the process. Turns out that negative moods (due to stress, fatigue, insecurities, whatever) can be contagious, affecting class mates and teachers alike. Facial expressions (think concentration face, or "resting bitch face syndrome") can also be misconstrued as something else entirely, for instance, showing lack of respect. When this was pointed out to me, I was aghast... Because I had no idea of the negative impact I was making! I was letting my everyday problems affect both my focus and body language, without realising it. Needless to say, I've since made every effort to improve my attitude. The lessons you learn in ballet... Not always about technique, but just as valuable, if not more so.

There have also been new teachers, and new discoveries. When my own teacher Marie announced that she would be leaving 6 weeks early, and we would have substitute teachers for the remainder of the season, I was initially anxious. I already knew that I would not be able to dance in the summer, and I did not want my last classes to lack in personal corrections and inspiration. It's not that self-evident for (middle-aged) adults to get such detailed and plentiful attention, with some teachers tending to put their main focus on more talented (and younger) students. Not that you cannot convince them otherwise, but it usually takes some time to build a working relationship. Well, I approached class with my best attitude (no pun intended), an open mind and my usual eagerness to learn - and it worked out better than I had expected! Of course, I missed Marie; the warm atmosphere, the corrections and encouragement she would bestow on us, but Arja was just as nice - and she made me work on other areas I had been neglecting. I have been "scooping up" my abs ever since! It was also fun trying more difficult enchaînements, faster tempi and new steps. Sometimes, you need those challenges to progress!

I also enjoyed guest teacher Minna Tervamäki's classes. I only got to attend four times (out of five), but having a recently retired principal dancer share her tips and "tricks" is nothing if not special. The focus was less on academic technique, more on neo-classical and contemporary ballet (think Balanchine, Forsythe..). I did not receive a lot of personal corrections (one or two per class), but there was a lot of fun dancing to compensate! In the long run, I would be frustrated not getting personal attention, but combined with other classes/teachers, it works just fine. Anyway, you cannot rely on your teacher to spot every mistake at all times, or to hope for praise every time there's a nice pirouette or balance... It's very important to develop body awareness, and to learn how to self-correct. Do it before your teacher reminds you! Also, you have to take pleasure in your progress, with our without praise.

Then, just when I thought my classes were over, there was an announcement of a 2-week summer intensive: morning classes from Monday until Friday, at a very cheap price I could actually afford! Of course, I signed up immediately. Classes were aimed at (semi-) professionals, but some exercises were simplified to accommodate a variety in levels. We had a different teacher almost every day, and while I only got a few personal corrections, it was a really good work-out! I even got to try some never-before-turns: pirouette en dehors, opening into seconde (like a fouetté), continuing into arabesque en dehors. Did not "quite" get it, but it sure was fun trying! The intensive was also excellent preparation for the Kuopio Dance Festival's courses. My going to Kuopio was a huge stroke of luck, and definitely the grand finale of the past dance season. I've already written about it (and there will be some follow-ups yet to come), but I could not have wished for a better finish - nor could I ask for more.

What happens next, and when, is uncertain. At present, I cannot afford classes, but that doesn't mean I'm quitting ballet altogether! I just need to stay in shape until I can go back again. Walking and jogging in the nearby forest, swimming, stretching, planks and pliés, plus tendus and fondues in the kitchen, ab exercises, relevés, strengthening feet with rubberband, waterballet... As long as I do something, because it's use it or lose it! So, I try to approach every day as if I have morning class the next. Eventually, hopefully, that day will come. 

Wherever there's a "barre"...

Dance Away

It was my third class with our guest teacher, and the tricky exercises were at last familiar. Not easy by any means, but I was no longer getting lost within all those changing directions. Time to focus on technique and corrections. But with a huge studio full of students, there was no time for any personal feedback. I had to fall back on myself. And as soon as the music started, so did the record in my head: Ribs in. Knee over toes. Point those toes! Are my knees stretched enough? Is my leg in derrière crossed enough? Am I sitting? Must round arms more. Relax those fingers. Shoulders down. Where is my head, where do I look? Stomach... I'm not using my abs. Heels... Must forward heels in degagé, work through demi-pointe. Don't lose turnout!! No banana feet. The toes! Breathe, remember to breath.

Only when it came to ronde de jambe à terre exercise, I found my calm. Plié degagé devant, in effacé, with the free arm in fifth/couronne, then to a la seconde, then to the back, in effacé again, allongé. Our accompanist was playing another beautiful piece of music, and I started to feel... The many voices in my head simmering down to one: "You can do more." And then it happened. I was dancing as if no one was looking... And no one was. It did not matter. I felt complete, beautiful. I had my moment.

Still, I'm happiest in class when I have my teacher to guide me. My brain is much too busy, over-thinking and over-correcting all the time. It's another aspect about ballet class which I like so much: I don't have to make all the decisions. Our teacher gives us the exercises and combinations, and we follow her directions and apply her corrections. Of course, it doesn't mean that you sit back (no sitting in class!) and stop working. But it means I can focus on the dancing right away. I trust my teacher to push me into the right direction, to captain my ship when needed and to let me sail away when I'm ready...

Sink or Swim?

Last night I had the weirdest ballet dream.. I was in pointe class, and about to do a piqué  - when all of a sudden the pointe shoe had turned into a stilt, making it impossible to go up. No need to consult a psychiatrist to figure this one out, not with the class I had on Friday.. It was as if someone had pressed the fast forward button, but edited me out of the loop. Or if everyone else had hitched a ride on the time machine, but left me holding my ticket. I can´t decide which metaphor to use, but you see where I´m going with this. For the first time in a long time I felt like I did not belong in that class.

Part of the reason for feeling sidelined is that it´s no longer the same class, nor the same teacher of late. Madame had to take an early leave, and our previous teacher G (who has been my main ballet teacher for the past three years) returned one month early from her maternity leave to spring in for Madame. Please don´t get me wrong,  I love G´s classes just as much; she is energetic, strict, fun, gives lots of spot-on hands-on corrections, and her technique is precise, quick, springy and very musical - all good. When I started pointe last August, it was in fact with G - and the the best introduction to pointe technique I could have asked for. Even though it was a mixed level, I could begin from point zero, and G took great care that I would not get ahead of myself. We had 10 weekly classes before Madame took over.

I gotta tell you, it was not the easiest of transitions! Classes were more difficult and I had the hardest time trying to keep up. Fortunately we were very, very lucky to get Madame to teach us! I have already sang her praises in many posts, but in short - she really knows how to get the best out of everyone. I don´t think I have ever been more challenged, and yet happy at the same time. She gave us real work to do, killer body-and-feet-building barres, combined with elegant épaulemant and center work that was both scary and exhilarating. It was often way over my head, but she would never give up on you, always taking the extra time to help you get there.

So you get used to a certain way, and then comes another way of doing things - which I should welcome as an exciting challenge! However, The Thing is, I sort of figured G´s classes would be easier. I mean she knows that I am still a pointe-beginner, and would not expect me to do too advanced stuff.. But no such luck. While the barre was relatively easy compared to Madame´s painstaking boot-camp, center was anything but. New steps I had never done before, and in combinations too fast for my feet to grasp. The advanced girls had a blast, and I was miserable. Finally I  changed back into my soft slippers, so I could at least dance until the end of class!

You may think that it´s no big deal, and that I will catch up with the rest. You are probably right. I just resented the sink-or-swim tactic. I do know that our teacher was testing us, figuring out what we have learned while she was away. And I understand how difficult it is to teach a mixed-level class and adjust every exercise to every individual learning experience. And yes, I really miss the attention I was getting from Madame. You may call me a Big Ballet Baby, but I´m far from confident in those pointe shoes. All I ask is that you do not push me into the deep end without throwing me a life-line too!

Dear reader, before you suggest I talk to my teacher, I already did. I know that G really cares for her students and wants us to learn, advance and still enjoy our dancing. I told her class was too difficult for me, and she agreed. She has already promised to give simpler exercises next week. Though I almost wish I had been wrong, that somehow she would have thought it possible for me to be that advanced already. Maybe she even did.. Sadly, I´m no ingenue at ballet. I have my dues to pay, and tons of relevés to do - just like every other dancer. But there is hope. I am not hopeless. And you know what? I used to be a swimmer before I did ballet - so there will be no sinking to the bottom for me!

Underwater picture taken for Australian Ballet´s new Swan Lake (choreography Graeme Murphy).

Dancer: Simone Goldsmith. Photography by Hugh Hamilton & Keith Lo Bue